5 days

we can do this

Learnt

I think i have met the two most wonderful teachers on earth who believe in the true value of learning :') perhaps the best way to help a person learn is to not necessarily punish him for his mistakes, but to forgive him.

All these weeks, in my attempts to concentrate on my work, i kind of shut music out from my life because it distracts me. Didn't realise how dead i am without it. maybe this place just isn't for me, i feel so trapped doing things i'm not inclined towards. I like the people in school, I like what I'm studying even though i'm not particularly good at it. But there are things i'm happier doing and this really isn't it. i can't seem to find my motivation, or my drive, or anything. not at all. It's not that I can't do these things. I just can't seem to clear my mind, to get myself to concentrate on nothing but these words in front of me that actually have such amazing content.


because this is just too special

Love and commitment are different things. You can't really choose love, but you can choose commitment. Make your choice and live with it.

go out and get what you want.

my friends are singing outside but i'd rather not join. the music's so foreign. i don't feel like myself.

"A Lesson On Neurology

Today I learnt that we use 73 percent of our cerebrum
on logical explanations that require
no sentiments. And the remaining 27 percent
(meagre, I should say)
is the filament for your burnt out heart.

And did you know that the brain stem is a metaphor
for the electrical junction in which all wires meet?
So we instinctively try our best to protect
the fragile neck, perhaps in a logical attempt
to protect ourselves from damaging the brain.

Another logical move.

But look, where’s the balance and stability
that should be there? If you take a look
at this messy pile of grey mass and try
to make sense of it, it only makes sense if
emotions and rational decisions
weigh equally.

See, when I’m with you, my two hemispheres
switch roles. Our fingers make love for the first
time and the neural pathways leading up to my
cerebral cortex light up.

I let you hug me like a noose;
smelt you the way suffocation
did. And still, I kicked away
the chair beneath my feet —
the delicate neck snapped.

Now, where’s the logic in that?

You see, the brain, the organ the size
of two fists put together, is a difficult
chaos to comprehend. If we should
ever weigh the two sides of mine on a
scale,

the scale would never
come to rest.

My neural activities are excessive, too much.
The lovebirds of my synapses talk softly
to one
 another. Dendrites holds dendrites.
My body gaining not weight but rather,
everything the world has given me,
 stuffed
in the rivers and valleys of my mind, the 
folds
and grooves of pink-grey matter.

My neurons travel through the pathways on
my back; the curvature of a 
heartbroken spine,
and I forget how to process, with logic, the secretive
messages they send back. I forget how
to breathe; I get these shallow interrupted fluxes
of blood, heavy asphyxiated heart beats.

All of this, because my cerebrum
relies too heavily on the right instead of
the left; because I perpetually swing
between the two; because with you, my left
hemisphere forgets how to work; because
my hands are too small to hold my feelings
when they should come crashing down.

People have tried, for years, to study
the pathology of the brain. But how do
you grasp something that cannot be
sliced apart, and how do you attempt
to cure melancholy, grief, pain, when
they are so deep-rooted within your
central nervous system.

If I could, I would
rewire all of us,
so we would never
feel off-balance
again;

all I want is stable ground."

--

stumbled upon this. from amabilidad.wordpress.com

don't let fear stop you from travelling

http://homeiswheretheinternetis.blogspot.sg/2014/04/dont-let-fear-stop-you-from-traveling.html?spref=fb

Last Night

we're different now. the way you left early, your irritability. our unwillingness to deal with each other, dragging our other friend into this. things have disintegrated, but i'll try again after the end of this period. i still care for you a lot.

i went around the hall looking for the few people i really want to have photos with after Melissa and Fedeline left. George, Kellynn, Jethro, Naomi and Derwin. and Lycia who wasn't there. i bumped into a few friendly faces i liked as well. i would write more but there are only 5 minutes left to write.

the two of us walked over to Sappore for 10 minutes, had two sips of beer each before passing the rest to Naomi. went back to the room to pack up the things strewn over the bed while preparing for the formal dinner. we had a nice, simple, quiet moment which i'll remember in the form of written words and feelings.

and thank you lycia, for bringing me back to my emotions, for being someone who understands things from my perspective. everybody needs validation, we give as much as we can. we do everything with love for others and ourselves. 

Given up trying to hope for the things they have

just for.. laughs?

So people should know I'm a perfectionist - but not in the good way most of the time, because it made me a procrastinator. And I'm scrolling through facebook cause I've semi-given up on handing in my assignment on time cause it's going to be lousy given the little time I have anyway. 

So I found one of these thought catalog articles (in its annoying 15thingsyoushouldknow-ness) that made me go "that's so totally me" but won't help me in any productive way -- more procrastination. I bet the author wrote it as a way to cope with her approaching deadline.

But well, '15 struggles of being both a perfectionist and a procrastinator' is so, so, so true and....

.. i better get off the internet because this doesn't help me in any way. AT ALL.

-

1. This is the life cycle of you trying to do basically anything.

2. … which is to say, you immobilize yourself because things aren’t turning out perfectly, so you have no interest in working on them anymore.

3. You become way too familiar with next-day deadlines and general panic about how you’re going to get something done in such a short period of time…

4. Mostly because you’re going to spend at least 1/3 of the time you have left complaining about what you have to do so you can avoid it that much longer.

5. You induce panic attacks because you know you need to get to work but you are overwhelmed with just not wanting to — mostly because oh-my-god-it’s-not-perfect-and-probably-never-will-be.

6. Somewhere along the line, you realize that your desire for perfection is rooted in something probably existential and #deep, and if you’re unexperienced in the art of Being Unstable, you’ll probably let yourself fall down a k-hole of contemplating why you’re a horrible person, which is often part of the procrastination/perfectionism breakdown.

7. When you do actually get something done, you’ll realize it took you twice as long as it would anybody else, and that makes you wonder if it’s because you wanted it to be perfect, or you’re just lazy and were putting it off.

9. You have lofty goals and yet no real desire to do the work it takes to achieve them.8. You frequently decide you’re going to put something off until you do something else — but then you freak out because that thing isn’t perfect, so you actually wind up deeper down your anxiety trap than before.

10. Somewhere in your parents’ house lies a yellowed and crinkly report card saying that you have “so much potential, but no inclination to actually do the work.”

11. In fact, you were about that easy A life, and didn’t necessarily dislike school, but only liked it when you were in class studying a subject you were freakishly talented at — or rather, that you could pretend you were.

12. You often find yourself turning down dates from people who are plenty cute or plenty smart or plenty engaging, but you find that one flaw, and can never look past it ever again.

13. Somewhere on the Internet, there is a secret, never-ending Pinterest wall filled with all of the DIY projects and hairstyles you swear you’re going to actually do, but I mean, all that DIY requires a lot of work, so…

14. You are horribly up front about telling people all of your greatest flaws, so that they never expect more from you than your absolute lowest — no matter how many times you’ve proven otherwise.

15. You have turned down your dream job out of some irrational fear that you’re going to get fired, are a horrible fraud, and/or are really just horribly qualified and it was some fluke of luck that got you through the system anyhow.

-

more time wasted. 

you make me feel content, accepted. In silence, in random mutterings.

but i return to my room, discontent. so much more could be done with those few hours, so much more could be done with my life. i want to be inspired, stimulated, to have the drive to be an improved version each day, in the way i want to be better.

but you make me content in this nothingness we share, at least when we are next to each other. people say they can simply stare at the wonders of nature, thinking of nothing. do i not know how to enjoy the simplicity of life?

you are motivated, you have the drive to be better, you remind me to not be stuck in this lull.

but we grow in such different ways. we both understand the concept of growth, we simply take very different steps.

but you remind me to be better.

-

i am the one with the problems.

i am currently insufficient for myself, to be able to find concrete ways to grow in the ways i want to.

i want to be perfect to gain acceptance. i lack the certainty, the confidence. i let myself drown in my worries. i second-guess myself. i stop myself from trying.

-

it is a privilege to have people who remind you of growth. i let myself feel sad over the loss of a  friend, unable to let go. let myself withdraw. there are people who can connect with me, yet i'm too tired and withdrawn to initiate.

there are wonderful people out there who appreciate you, you have to initiate. stop shutting the world out. just stop.

tell them you appreciate them too. be the first to reach out. just go.

-

there is no point thinking about the meaninglessness of existence.
reach out to people now, the ones you admire and are intimidated by.

go.

you need to get out of this place.

you are growing, but slowly, and not necessarily in ways you want to. yes, no path taken is wasted, but there are options. better options, though unknown.

need to do something. will start by writing about sunday.
after deadline.

Phoenix - Countdown (acoustic)

there are the songs you post over and over again.
every pluck of the string seems to melt away
a little bit of the cold, softening calluses bit by bit
even for just a while.

-

better lies somewhere, not here.

theirs not taken into account of.

'how do you know you love a person?'

how? you know they love you, but don't feel or understand it.

harmed and unable to love. we want to believe love exists, and we wait. we don't search for it, we don't initiate the search, because we're too harmed to try. we wait for someone with outstretched arms, to tell us we can fall safely into it. we're all capable of loving another person with all we can, regardless of how battered we are, and we want to.

it seems like it shouldn't take another person to convince us we can. everyone is hurt, some more so than the others. it takes more to give to a person who is plastered with wounds, so we simply give what we can. don't focus on how much the other person needs to fill you up in order for you to feel safe.

simply give what you can, simply that.